5 EFFECTIVE WAYS TO SURVIVE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP
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"I just found out... I, I don't know what to do." Karen's voice was shaking as she talked with me on the phone. She's been married for almost five years now. After two years of marriage, her husband, Robert decided to work overseas. These married couples' constant communication was almost every day of the week, however, in the past two years Robert rarely makes any phone calls. Then Karen began to doubt her husband’s fidelity. Uneasy as she was, she gave her husband the benefit of the doubt. After all, she believes that much of the work that needs to be done between two married couples to stick together, especially in a long distance relationship, solely rests on the wife. Odd as it may sound, but that was how she was brought up by her mother, who was also a wife of an OFW. Karen feels she needs to do something, that she couldn’t just let anything happen to her marriage. So she seeks out advice from her close friends who were telling her that she was just being paranoid, that her husband could have been so freakin’ tired he can’t call home everyday, that as long as her husband regularly sends her money every end of the month, everything is okay. She heeds the advice of her friends. She tried to get used to the infrequent phone calls, tried not to get paranoid. She almost believed that her instinct on her husband cheating on her was completely foolish until she chanced upon an encounter with Dave, one of her husband’s colleagues. Karen was casually asking him about how his work with Robert was, and if he gets the chance to hang out with him when they’re on off and stuff like that. She couldn’t believe what Dave was telling her – “Sabi ni pareng Robert hiwalay na daw kayo. Tsaka meron na syang kinakasama du’n sa Dubai.” Karen almost fainted. She just couldn't breathe. “It can’t be true,” was all she could tell Dave.
Does Karen’s story sound familiar to you? How many do you know are like Karen? How many do you know are like Robert? I believe you’ll agree with me that their situation is not unique. It is so banal that it’s almost a given that if you’re an OFW or a wife left at home to take care of the kids while your husband is working overseas, your marriage is in imminent danger. Maintaining a working and healthy relationship between married couples is quite hard – especially between an OFW and a wife or husband back home - but not impossible. Armed with stories of real people and with the shared experiences of my OFW friends who endured every trial of their marriage, I’ve come up with a sort of relationship advice for our OFWs as far as their married life is concerned. Just a friendly note of precaution guys, I am not acting as a marriage counselor here, I’m just sharing with you some tips on how my friends (OFWs, housewives of OFWs and vice versa and real people) were able to successfully keep their marriage vows despite the distance. Hope this list helps in keeping yours, too.
1. Communicate Effectively. We all know about the need to communicate when you’re in a long-distance relationship. With the current technology, the popularity of cell phones, internet, Skype, etc. there’s no reason not to communicate. But it’s not enough. You should effectively communicate. For this purpose, I’m referring to a verbal or voiced type of communication. If you’re on the phone or on skype and it’s only you who is doing the talking most of the time almost becoming a blabbermouth, then you definitely fail in this area. Do not interrupt or monopolize the conversation. If your partner isn’t much of a talker, then make him talk. Try asking open-ended questions. My friend Liza said she’s guilty as hell with this. Every time she and her husband do Skype, she’s the one doing the talking most of the time. Although they talked almost on a daily basis, she’s not running out of things to say – child’s school teacher, annoying neighbors, impeachment complaint on PNoy etcetera, etcetera. When her husband told her he’d rather call on a weekend, she overreacted and accused him of having extramarital affairs. Liza just blew the issue out of proportion. The realization hit her when she confided her supposedly-not-a-big-deal relationship problem with our common friend who previously had the same communications issue with her OFW husband. She got a good piece of advice, i.e., don’t do most of the talking. Get your partner to talk and when he does, actively listen. This is very vital in communicating effectively with your husband or wife. Don’t just hear him talk. Listen carefully to what he has to say. Doing so makes him feel a sense of importance.
2. Stay Committed. How committed are you? Does being married to each other automatically make you a committed person? I bet you’ll agree with me that it actually doesn’t. But, just like communicating effectively with your better half, this one too is a two-way process. Make sure that you and your husband or wife is on the same page when it comes to staying committed. Tell him how you do it. Don’t keep it from him or else he’ll never know the time and effort you put into this long distance relationship to work. Write your marriage commitment down on a piece of paper or Post-it. Put it in a spot where you could read it every day – in your study table, in your fridge, medicine cabinet mirror or make it your cell phone’s “Welcome Note”. It’s simply a visual way of reminding yourself of your commitment. This works with my previous colleague. Sometimes commitment itself is “lost” in your list of priorities such as work, child care, financial concerns, etc. Why not try to “visually” remind yourself of it?
3. Get Busy. Keeping your marriage intact despite of the distance might take a toll on your sanity, especially if you’re the one making most of the effort. Why don’t you get busy instead? If you have a long-forgotten hobby brought about by a lot of marital responsibilities, then why not indulge in it again? If you’re an OFW you can make friends with your other Kababayans. You know where most of them frequents every weekend – at the park, restaurants serving Filipino dishes, etc. My OFW friend Flor rarely leaves the flat she shares with two other Filipino OFWs when she’s on off. A quite and reserve type, Flor prefers the “company” of her laptop than mingle and chit-chat with other Filipinas. “Mas nag-eenjoy pa ako pag nag-i-FB ako kesa lumabas at makipag-tsismisan sa ibang mga Pinay dyan”, she once told me. Yet, when her roommate Gina insisted she come along with her to a Filipino community event for a cause, it has changed her outlook with making friends. She becomes an active participant, gain more friends and no longer a K.J. (as her roommates fondly call her). I don’t suggest you get busy at the expense of the effort you put into making your long distance relationship work. Being focused on making it work from the get-go is highly laudable, but it’s self-defeating when it’s the only thing that gets you occupied with. When you get busy improving yourself, you will gain more self-confidence, higher self-esteem, getting better and better in your relationship not only with your life’s partner but with other people as well.
4. Don’t expect too much. You know that your husband or partner in life is just temporarily working overseas and will eventually go home. With that in mind you expect that he loves you still, he cares for you and your family still and a whole bunch of other expectations. Just don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with expectations. But what if they’re not met? What if in the course of your husband’s career overseas, he found someone else? What if the distance has changed his feelings towards you? What if all this time he doesn’t share the same level of commitment as you do? I’ve heard of so many broken OFW families because the husband or the wife cannot resist the temptations caused by the distance. The point is, you may have invested too much in this long distance relationship to work out for the both of you but keep your expectations low. When things don’t work out the way you expect them to be, you guard yourself against emotional trauma. Surely, you’ll get hurt, but the pain would be bearable because you don’t expect too much. Picking up the pieces and moving on with your life won’t be an uphill battle. Overheard a lady talking to a friend at a carenderia, “kung ang mga lalake nga ay nagloloko habang nandito lang nagtatrabaho sa Pilipinas at kasama pa ang mga pamilya nila, how much more do’n sa abroad?” I’m not suggesting that your husband (or wife) will eventually cheat on you but chances are he may or he may not. I guess it doesn’t hurt if your expectations are low.
5. Be honest with yourself. In marriage, it takes two to tango, right? This may sound like a cliché to you, but nevertheless it’s true. Keep yourself in check – where are you right now in your relationship with your OFW better half? Do you think your relationship is still worth fighting for? Are you pretty damn tired of investing too much effort which is not reciprocated? Do you not mind sacrificing your time and energy in keeping your marriage despite of the threat of the distance from your loved one? Are you willing to do everything you can to keep your family together? Or is it like the song, “Let It Go”.